On Being Brave, Part Three

I understand that my spending six weeks in Louisville, KY may seem like a dubious form of bravery. But for a cowardly person like me, it is. 

I never allow myself to feel uncomfortable. Ever. To that end, I crave structure and create routine for every aspect of my life. Structure and routine make me feel in control, especially when I feel like my life is in a state of emotional duress. It's a form of self-preservation, really. Without structure, without famiarity, I feel anxious and untethered. 

There's that word again. Untethered. Sigh.

I will spend the next several hazy, hot mid-eastern weeks attempting these small feats of bravery:

1. Blog. And not in secret.
{Reason this is an act of bravery: Though I love to write, the idea of my work being subjected to any sort of public scrutiny or criticism is terrifying. Not only do I feel the act of blogging is a form of narcissim, I find that this mode writing in particular feels and reads as insincere, at best. Whether a blogger admits it or not, her tone is affected because she is writing for an audience. I acknowledge that despite my best efforts, this blog will only be a version of me.}

2. Train for the Freedom Marathon in November.
{Reason this is an act of bravery: The 26.2 mile run is an elusive bitch. I have tried twice and failed both attempts. The first attempt was the Kentucky Derby Marathon in 2007. I completed the entire training, but during the race I missed the turn-off that separated the marathoners from the half-marathoners. I completed the half-marathon, which was devastating because I had spent four months training for the whole distance. My second attempt was the Shamrock Marathon but the events were less dramatic. I injured my hip flexor on a 20k training run and had to drop out. My latest sixteen-week training program officially begins this week. I have built a solid base of about 25 miles a week over the last month in order to prevent injury, so perhaps this time I will be successful. I want that 26.2 bumper sticker.}

3. Meet new people. Hear their stories. Write about them.
{Reason this is an act of bravery: In order to be a successful high school teacher, I have painstakingly cultivated a confident, gregarious personality. I have become extremely adept over the last ten years at feigning an intrepid demeanor. However, my close friends would agree that I fall short in real life. I'm ridiculously sensitive and terrified of rejection. Thus, the problem.}

4. Revel in the bravery of others.
{I have asked several people who I admire to share their personal stories of bravery. I will feature their stories on this blog as a way to celebrate them and inspire others.}

5. Make allowances for my overall imperfections and grand mistakes. For my doubting, too.
{Reason this is an act of bravery: This means I will have to sort out my own way in life. I've been married to convention and conformity for so long because quite frankly, I had to make fewer choices. My path was prescribed, my life defined. I need to deconstruct those restraints and be gentle with myself in the process.}

Because maybe my being untethered means I get the opportunity to be the woman I wanted to be all along.

Just maybe.